Jokes_Hokkien (Rev: 1.4)

Hokkien phrases on "7 habits for successful people"

Steven Covey's famous "7 habits for successful people" are nothing more than a free adaptation of very common Hokkien phrases. Hence, why pay thousands of dollars to attend talks when your grand-parents, parents, spouses and even the auntie who sweeps the floor can give you the same kind of advice Free Of Charge every day ?

Habit No 1: Be Pro-Active
Kin Ka Kin Chiew (Fast leg, fast hand)

Habit No 2: Sharpen the Saw
Toh Bua Lai Lai (Make the knife sharp)

Habit No 3: Begin with the End In Mind
Ooh Tao Ooh Buay (Have head, have tail)

Habit No 4: First Things First
Chik Hung Chik Hung Lai - Ban Ban Lai
(One thing at a time, slow and steady); or
Cho Tow Seng (Do first; talk later)

Habit No 5: Think Win-Win
Long Chong Ai Yarh (Must win everything)
This is definitely not thinking win-win. This is a zero sum game. Win everything!

Habit No 6: Seek To Understand Rather Than To Be Understood
Cho Lang Ai Eh Beng Pek (You must be understanding)

Habit No 7: Synergize
Tai Kay Ai Hup Chop (All must cooperate)

2 cows and the new economy

You have two cows.
You sell one and bought a baby bull, nurse it and feed it well;
They mate, your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You invest & keep the gains into the country reserve.
You sell them and everyone retire on the income.

You have two cows.
You mortgage both of them to the bank & obtain investment for two more cows.
Then, re-mortgage the investment the four cows for eight cows and continue to do likewise.
The financial market was flooding with mortgages & investments in cow's assets.
No one knows where & who owned the original 2 cows ?
Then, these 2 original cows grew old & eventually died.
You are surprised when there is no asset to back up the mortgage or repay the loan ?
Finally, you ask the govt to bail out the collapse financial cow's market !

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
Then you create clever cow cartoon images called "Cowkimon" and market them world wide.

You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

You have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.
You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

You have two cows.
You worship them.

You have two cows.
You signed a 40 years contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.
Then, midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.
When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.
The buyer decided that you can keep the milk. They search for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.
Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

And last but not least,

You have two cows.
One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu".


During the gulf war, the President of USA, Prime Ministers of UK and Singapore were traveling on a warship that was cruising near Arabia. The 3 were talking about how brave their soldiers were. Their discussion soon turned into an argument where each wanted to prove the bravery of their own soldiers.

The President of USA said, "let me show you what is guts", where upon he called his Colonel and said: "Jump into the sea and swim 3 times around this ship !". The Colonel replied: "Anything for Uncle Sam, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 3 times around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like mad !

After the successful 3 times around the ship, the Colonel came up to the deck and said, "I did it for Uncle Sam, Mr President !". The proud US President replied: "That is what I call guts !".

The Prime Minister of UK was pissed. He called his 3-star General and said "General, jump into the sea and swim 10 times around this ship !". The General replied, "Anything for the Queen, Sir", and jumped into the shark infested sea and swam 10 times around the ship, with the sharks chasing him like gila (lunatic).

After the successful 10 laps around the ship, the 3-star General came up to the deck and said, "Long Live the Queen !". The proud UK Prime Minister replied: "That is what I call guts !"

The Prime Minister of Singapore 'tak boleh tahan'. He had to show that his soldiers have guts too. So, he called one of his Privates and said: "Soldier, jump into the sea and swim 50 times around this ship !".

The Private replied "Oi, you siao (crazy) is it ? I just bought my condo and a new Honda car. Now, you want me to jump into the sea and die ? If you want to 'hao lian' (show off), you jump into the sea yourself lah ! ()&*(#@%(&)_*"

The Singapore Prime Minister smiled and said: "Now, that is what I call guts !".

Hawker Stalls Grading

Hawker stalls in Singapore are required by the Ministry of Health (MOH) to put out their hygienic grading in front of their stalls. The grades are:
A - very, very clean and hygienic
B - clean and hygienic
C - average clean and hygienic
D - Poor

However, some people cannot understand English properly and decide to come up with a simple version of the grades:

A - A sai (means can lah)
B - Buay Pai (means not bad lah)
C - Can na sai (means like shit)
D - Diarrhea (means lou sai)

Gu Ni (in Hokkien)

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks: "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'".

The crowd shouts, "gin ! gin !". Others exclaim: "No, grape juice !". Another smart guy yells: "Alamak, Gatorade !".

The host: "Quiet please".

Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying: "Do you think I need their help ? I got more original answer: Gu Ni (cow milk in hokkien) !"

Cow Pay Cow Boo (in Hokkien)

In an English class, the teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents ?"

Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher. It means father and mother"

Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example ?"

Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay (hokkien) & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo (hokkien) . So, together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (nagging in hokkien)".

The teacher fainted.

Li Ai Lim Si Mi (In Hokkien)

A lady went to a coffee shop with her friends for a drink. One peculiar habit of her friend is that she doesn't drink any beverage with milk. She approached the counter and the uncle there asked her in Hokkien: "Li Ai Lim Si Mi ?" (What do you want to drink ?)

Not knowing that "teh-o" means tea without milk, her friend said rather slowly, "TEH MAI LO GU NI " (tea, don't put milk).

Well, she got 3 types of drinks: "Teh" (Tea), "Milo" and "Gu Ni" (Milk). The worst thing was all these 3 types of beverages contain milk.

Holland Road

A tourist comes to Singapore and boards a bus. He asks the bus driver to inform him when the bus has reached Holland Road. After a while, the passenger heard the driver yelling: "Hollan Lok ! Hollan Lok !". Thinking the bus has reached his destination point, he alights the bus. However, to his surprise, he saw a road sign stating the name of another road.

Actually, the bus driver said in Hokkien to the passengers in the crowded bus: "Let people go down, let people go down !"

Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti (In Hokkien)

Once upon a time, a group of Ah Bengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).

The DJ told them that they only have English songs and asked them to re-select another song. The Ah Bengs were indignant and kicked up a big fuss, claiming that the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down. Finally, the manager managed to find out that the Ah Bengs were actually asking for a song calls "Unchained Melody" (by the Righteous Brothers).

Miss Singapore

It is the final round of the Miss Universe contest and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss UK and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

Judge: "The first question is, name an electrical appliance starting with 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lamp."
Miss UK: "Light bulb."
Miss Singapore: "LADIO !"

Judge: "No, no, radio does not start with the letter 'L'. I am going to give you 2 more chances. The next question is, name an animal starting with the letter 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lion."
Miss UK: "Leopard."
Miss Singapore: "LABBIT !"

Judge: "No, rabbit does not start with the letter 'L'. I am going to give you one last chance. If you answer this question incorrectly, you will be disqualified. Name a fruit starting with the letter 'L'."

Miss USA: "Lemon."
Miss UK: "Lime."
Miss Singapore, with full confidence, smiles and says: "Liew Lian !" (Durian)

This is not the end of the story. The judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified. Finally, they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter 'L', they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: "Okay. The final question is, name a fruit starting with the letter 'A'."

Miss USA: "Apple." (applause)
Miss UK: "Avocado" (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: "ANG-MO-TAN !" (Rambutan)

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