- Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Taipei and Las Vegas ?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you" and put down the phone. - At a bar in New York, the man on Ah Beng's left tells the bartender: "Johnnie Walker, single". His companion says: "Jack Daniels, single".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "and you, Sir ?".
Ah Beng replies: "Tan Ah Beng, married." - After completing a jigsaw puzzle that he has been working on for quite sometime, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend. "It took me only 5 months to do it", Ah Beng brags (吹牛).
"Five months ? That is too long", his friend exclaims, "You are a fool".
Ah Beng replies: "See this box. It wrote for 4-7 years...". - Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems. He decides to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he become very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng: "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it has been over an hour and still nobody has comes to help me...". - Ah Beng with two red ears went to see his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears.
He answered: "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor... but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor !"
"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But.. what happened to the other ear ?"
"That stupid idiot called back !" - Why did Ah Beng goes to a movie with his 18 friends ?
Because below 18 was not allowed. - Ah Beng goes to an interview. When asked to come up a story with 5 colours: green, pink, yellow, blue and purple, he thinks for a while and says:
One day, the phone 'green' 'green' and I 'pink' up the phone and say: "'Yellow', 'Yellow'". I hear no answer. So, I asked again: "'Blue' is it, huh ?"
Still no answer and I become angry. I say: "You don't 'purplely' call and keep quiet, OK ?". - Ah Beng was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and10. This is what he came up with:
1 fine day, I go 2 climb up a 3 beside an apartment to peep. After being saw by the couple in the room, I got panic and had a great 4. The man rushed out and had a 5 with me. I run away to 6 for help and end up running into 7-eleven. I grab some 8 and throw at him and pull out a 9 to stab him. And 10 hor .. 10 hor ...10 he die lor.
Then, the continuation of the story ... and 10 hor, 10 hor ... I put the 9 back on the shelf and pay the cashier for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He says 5, tomorrow also don't need to come back 4 work. He also say go climb a 3 and hang yourself. I don't understand. I nice 2 him but I don know why he like that 1.
- The teacher noticed that Jack had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.
"Jack," she said, "if the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I ?"
"Thirty-four," Jack answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from my actual age. Tell me, how did you guess ?"
"Oh, there is nothing to it," Jack said, "My big sister is seventeen and she is only half crazy." - A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".
"My father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then Jack said: "We are all human beans." - Teacher: Use 'income' in a sentence.
Jack: I opened the door and in come the cat.
Teacher: Wrong ! Try 'ransom'.
Jack: I saw a skunk (臭鼬) and ran some distance away.
Teacher: No. Try 'handsome'.
Jack: Hand some candy to me.
Teacher: (exasperated) Your last chance is 'gruesome'.
Jack: Since last year I grew some. - Teacher: Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ?
Jack: He gets stepped on. - Teacher: What is usually used as a conductor of electricity ?
Jack: Why.... er...
Teacher: Wire is right. Very good. Now tell me, what is the unit of electrical power ?
Jack: The what ?
Teacher: That is absolutely correct, the watt. Now class, you should all study diligently like Jack here.
- The Lokes had just hired a new maid and decided to lay some house rules firmly at the beginning so she doesn't messes up.
"Now, look here," began Mrs Loke in a high tone, "I want you to remember that this family has its breakfast at 7:30am exactly, understand ?"
"Oh, don't worry," said the easy going maid. "If I over-slept, just go ahead without me. I don't usually have much breakfast anyway." - A couple got married. The bride, being religious, hung a sign on the wall above her bed. The sign said : "I need thee everyday. "
A week later, the groom got a sign made and hung it over his bed. The sign said : "God give me strength." - A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart and handsome. However, the third child was dull, stupid and ugly. One day, the husband got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine ?"
"Yes, dear", replied the wife, "but the other two are not". - A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted."
The next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine". - Trains stop at a Train Station.
Buses stop at a Bus Station.
So, what the heck is a Workstation ? - A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.
"How can I help you ?", asked the stylist.
"I went for a hair transplant", the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I will pay you $5000."
"No problem", said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head. - "Mommy has no idea how to raise children", said the child to his father.
"How can you say such a thing ?", replied the father.
"Well, Mommy always sends me to bed at night when I am not sleepy, and wakes me up in the morning when I am." - A door-to-door vacuum saleman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks and a lady opens the door. Before the lady has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I will eat every chunk of it".
The lady says, "You want tomato sauce on that ? We have just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet". - As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I am going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman". She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feels like a woman ?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this".
- A man read an advertisement under sale: "Second hand car for only $100. Ideal for three." He bought the car and sure enough it was ideal for three people; one drives and two push.
- A beggar stood in a crowded area, with a hat in each hand. A passerby stopped and dropped a coin in one hat, then asked: "What is the other hat for ?"
"Business has been so good lately, that I decided to open a branch office." - An Arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint.
"Your name please ?"
"Abdul Aziz"
"Sex ?"
"Six times a week !"
"No, no, I mean male or female !"
"Doesn't matter, sometimes even camel !" - Teacher: "What do you want to become when you grown up?"
Little Johnny: "Doctor !"
Teacher: "Why ?"
Little Johnny: "Because it is the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it." - An old lady of 85 years old was still a virgin and was about to die. She wanted her tombstone to read: "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin."
To cut cost, the engraver shortened it to: "Returned unopened." - A kid asked the priest: "Father, what is your pastime ?"
The priest tapped the kid's shoulder an replied: "Nun, my child, nun." - A 75 years old man got married to a 15 years old girl. On their first night, both were crying. Why ?
Because she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.
- Man: "You remind me of the sea."
Woman: "Because I am wild, romantic and exciting ?"
Man: "No, because you make me sick." - Wife: "You tell a man something: it goes in one ear and comes out of the other."
Husband: "You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth." - Mary: "John says I am pretty. Andy says I am ugly. What do you think, Peter ?"
Peter: "Oh, they are both wrong. I think you are 'pretty' ugly." - Sam: "I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I have a comfortable seat."
Lily: "So, what do you do ?"
Sam: "I close my eyes." - Teacher: "Have you given the goldfish fresh water ?"
Pupil: "No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last month." - Man: "I am new around here. Will you please direct me to the bank ?"
Little boy: "I will, but only if you pay me fifty dollars."
Man: "Why should I pay you so much ?"
Little boy: "Because bank directors are always highly paid." - An applicant was filling out a job application.
When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested ?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why ?"
The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught." - Employer to applicant: "In this job, we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I am the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible." - "Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work ?"
"I ought to be able to. I had six different jobs within four months." - Judge to defendant: "Aren't you ashamed, coming here for the third time ?"
Defendant: "Well, you come every day." - A teacher was testing the young student's intelligence.
"When is your birthday, dear ?" asked the teacher to a six years old boy.
"22nd February", said the child.
"What year, my dear?" Asked the teacher.
"Every year", said the child with a smile. - A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband gave his wife a gift - a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife - cold as ever."
Later, the furious wife bought a return present - also a tombstone - on which the inscription read: "Here lies my husband - stiff at last."
- Concise essay
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery
The prize winning essay read:
"My God !", said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it ?"
- During a heated argument between a husband & a wife,
the husband shouted: "You talk like an idiot".
The wife replied: "I have to, so that you can understand me". - A husband visited a marriage counsellor and said: "When we were married, whenever I would come home from work, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute dog would run around barking. Now after 10 years, it's all different. Whenever I would come home from work, the dog would brings my slippers and my wife would run around barking".
The counsellor said, "Why complaint ? You are still getting the same service". - A runner was complimented by a journalist. "You are always first in the race. What is the secret of your success ?"
He replied: "Whenever I run a race, I imagine that I am being chased by my wife". - A school teacher asked a little boy: "Johnny, where is god ?"
"In the bathroom of my house", replied Johnny.
"Why do you say that", the shock teacher inquired.
"Because every morning, my daddy pounds on the door and says: "My god, are you still there ?"" - Married life is quite interesting. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.
- A judge roared in the court, "Order ! Order !"
The accused said: "Okay. I want a sandwich and a cup of tea."
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